Finding my voice

I started singing at a very early age.  I probably started singing before I could talk.  My family could tell you if that were true or not.  Music is my language.  I can’t play an instrument, though I have tried.  But, I can sing.  Well, I make an attempt.  J  I can’t remember the words half the time, but I can remember the notes.  I even think in songs.  My daughter says I have a song for everything, hahaha.  It’s true. 

The first time I sang in church, I was about 2 or 3.  I LOVED being onstage, belting out my song for all (maybe 20 people) to clap and tell me how good I did.  I loved the attention, but I really just loved to sing.  When I was in Elementary school, I had an amazing choir director at our church.  He saw something in me, and tried his best to foster and encourage that love of singing.  He gave me a solo in a little church program, and I sang the entire song.  I didn’t have the best voice, but I was full of emotion!  It felt great, and I really felt like I had done something.  That was the first time I knew that singing was what I was supposed to do.  He has no idea how much his belief in me encouraged me to sing.

Fast forward to my teen years.  I came from a church that was chock full of musical talent.  Our church had a full band, great choir directors, plenty of awesome singers, and we sang EVERYWHERE!  So much talent…and then there was me.  Being in that awkward teen stage, my confidence already wavered.  I was surrounded by better singers who had tons of belief in their abilities.  I could sing on key when I was at home singing along to the radio.  Then, when I was with them, I was fine until one of my peers pointed out (repeatedly) that I would never be a singer.  “Oh, you have a decent choir voice, but you will never be a singer.  I really don’t know why you even try.”  Now, this chick was amazing!  She had it and she knew it.  What she didn’t know (and probably didn’t really care), was that her constantly telling me how bad I was in fact made me pretty bad.  I would get so nervous, I couldn’t stay on key.  I knew my part.  I knew everybody’s part.  (I still do.)  But I would falter and my voice would shake, and that would be it.  I was done.  Thus began a lifetime of hiding in the choir.  What’s the problem with that?  It was during those teen years that God straight up told me He was going to use my voice.   Psalm 40:3 came to life for me.  “He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.”  He said it, I believed it, but it was really hard for me to live it.

I have a soft voice.  I will never belt it out like a soul sister.  However, I have an ear.  I can hear every single part, even without the music.  (Something I never realized was a gift until my adult years.  I thought everyone could do that.)  I also have a decent range.  I sing anywhere from tenor to soprano.  What I lack is confidence.  I will not be the one to speak up and tell you what I can do…at least not more than once or twice.  I am usually not heard when I do speak up.  So, I just don’t do it.  Why?  Because I might be wrong…and because I don’t want to be like that chick from High School.  I don’t want anyone to think I’m tooting my own horn.  I don’t want to draw attention to myself.  In spite of that, I was able to land a place in one of the most anointed college choirs on earth, and make a choir tour that was audition only.  I may have just been a choir singer, but God was using me.  That was what was important.

As an adult, I quit singing for a long time.  I only sang when someone saw that I could and put me on the spot to sing.  Literally, calling me to the stage to sing with them.  My pastor at my old church did that a few times, and then I started going to practice with them, and eventually sang with their family.  I loved it!  I once again felt like I was where I was meant to be.  On stage, singing, and praising the Lord in my language.  It’s a feeling like no other.  If I could sing on stage behind a black curtain so no one could see me, it would be all the better, hahaha.  Seriously, lol.  Another pastor would see me walk through the back door and say over the microphone, oh, good!  You’re here.  You can sing tonight.  He is in Heaven now, but I will always remember his belief in me.  J  Singing more often actually built up my confidence, but it never takes much for it to disappear, either.    

The past few years I have (yet again) struggled to sing.  I’ve been in and out of choir because I have a love/hate relationship with it.  I hate it because of my lack of confidence.  I love it because I know that’s what I’m supposed to do.  I have had wonderful choir directors for the past 10 years, who have encouraged me.  Yet, my nerves get the best of me and it goes downhill from there.  Until now.  I’m finally finding my voice again.  Is it easy?  Absolutely not!  I still want to sing behind a black curtain.  I would love to be the faceless voice.  I would love to NOT hear the voices in my head pointing out every missed note, every dropped breath, every little mistake I make.  However, I’m encouraged.  God reminds me daily that He is the one who created my voice, and He makes no junk.  He is the one who made music my language.  He is the one I am supposed to be singing for anyway, and He is well pleased with my effort.  He is the one who rewards me for trying.  When I sing and I feel His presence, I know I’m right back where I’m supposed to be.  Using my voice for Him.  My voice never left me, it was just hidden.  He is helping me find it.

Why am I telling you all this?  Because someone out there (and this girl right here) needs to be reminded that God uses the absolute most uncomfortable part of you for His glory.   He reaches in to that tender spot where you have absolutely NO confidence, to draw out the gifts He has placed in your heart.  I mean, think about it!  Why would Satan so blatantly try his best to strip away any bit of self-assurance that I have to sing?  Because he knows it’s one thing that God wants to use.  He doesn’t attack anything that isn’t a threat.  There is power in Praise.  My Praise!  God is strength in my weakness.  Singing is my weakness.   This is precisely why I can’t stop singing.  I can’t stop praising.  I simply MUST use my voice for Him. 

Look inside yourself today.  Where is your weakness?  What has God called you to do that you struggle with?  What is the one thing in your life that makes your confidence fly out the window?  Grab that one thing and go with it.  Do it with all your heart, in spite of your limitation.  Even if you get so nervous, you run off stage and throw up!  (Yes, I’ve done that way more than I care to admit.)  Keep at it.  Pray through it.  Be like that commercial and just do it.   Find your voice, and use it.