...a Way in the Desert? What Desert?

Back in November of 2012, I was getting ready to go on my very first mission trip.  I knew in my heart I wasn't ready, I just didn't know why.  I took one Thursday and just prayed and read my Bible.  The lesson He taught me over the next few days is one that I revisit often.  Evidently it's one I'm constantly needing to re-learn.  :)

That morning I took a seat in Huddle House.  One I didn't normally sit in.  The one closest to the front door with my back to the door.  (Big no no for me.  My normal spot is near the back door, in a corner, back against the wall so I can see everyone who comes and goes.)  I figured this would be the seat of least distraction, since I really couldn't see ANYTHING!  While adding milk and sugar to my cup of coffee, I opened my Bible randomly and petitioned God to please show me what I needed to do to get myself ready for this trip!  He gave me several verses over several days, but the first one was Isaiah 40:3.  "A voice of one calling:  "In the desert prepare the way for the Lord; make straight in the wilderness a highway for our God.""  

I took it in the literal sense.  I was getting ready to spread God's love in the wilderness of the jungles of Ecuador!  That's what it means, right?  I could feel God shaking his head and could almost hear his "tsk, tsk, tsk."  Like a willful child, I spiritually stomped my feet.  Frustrated, I mentally whined to God that I wasn't getting it!  What was He trying to show me?!  Still not grasping it, I spent the next couple of days mulling over this verse and the ones surrounding it.  I prayed for understanding, but God was quiet.  

Two days later, on a Saturday, I spent the entire day in bed with my Bible.  Jay was here, so he and Natalie watched TV and kept quiet so I could rest, pray, and read.  Finally, God began to speak into my heart and show me what I needed to learn!

I re-read Isaiah 40:3, and then He took me to Isaiah 43:18-19.  "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."   There was that desert again!  What are you telling me Lord?  What desert?  Sigh.  For an hour or so, I was just as perplexed as I had been for days.  However, I was determined that I wasn't stopping until God revealed to me exactly what I was supposed to learn!  I was leaving in just a few days for Ecuador, so time was running out!  God needed to tell me, and I needed to learn it NOW!  Like the awesome God He is, he led me on...

The next verse that came to me was Isaiah 44:3a.  "For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams in the dry ground;" Dry ground.  There is that desert again.  My mind was still muddled, but the fog was beginning to lift.  I was beginning to see the progression from one verse to another.

1.  In the desert prepare the way for the Lord...

2.  I (God) am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

3.  I (God) will pour water on the thirsty land and streams in the dry ground.

Finally God lifted the scales from my eyes and it all made sense.  That desert was my heart!  How could I go to a foreign country and show them God's love, when my heart was as dry as a desert.  Being a single woman, having been twice divorced, having had my heart broken more times than I care to count, I had built a wall around my heart that would have made the Berlin Wall look like it was made of toothpicks.  I allowed love to flow in and out, only as much as was comfortable to me.  I'd not allowed my heart to be completely open to His healing love, much less opened it to the world around me!  Right here, at that moment, He not only showed me what was wrong, but He showed me how to fix it.  The only thing was...I had to take the first step.

In the desert [of my heart] prepare the way for the Lord.  It was my responsibility to allow Him to chip away at that wall.  It was my duty to allow Him to pull those chains off my heart, link by link.  It was my job to unlock the door and give Him the key.  I had to prepare my heart for Him.  If I would make the first step and do my part, He would do the rest!

Very quickly, God began to change my heart.  Over the next weeks (and during the actual mission trip), He tore down that wall, bricks at a time.  Sometimes it felt like he used a Holy sledgehammer to break down every last stone that I had so carefully stacked.  He softened the rocky soil of my heart, tilling it often, and broke up the arid expanse of my emotional being.  He was making a way in the desert, and my tears were creating streams in my own internal wasteland.

With every dirt covered, brown baby I held, with each sweet child's face I saw, with every smile I shared with the native Ecuadorians...God was pouring water on my thirsty soul and making streams in the dry grounds of my heart.  I came home spiritually overflowing, and I thought that was that!  But it wasn't.

You see?  It's a process.  Like any garden, the garden of your heart takes work.  It requires constant tending, weeding, and watering.  It's not enough to just read your Bible and pray, though both are imperative.  It's about keeping your heart open.  Two years later, I'm still single.  I still find myself leaning on my own understanding, even though He tells me specifically not to in Proverbs 3:5-6.  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight."

That doesn't just mean to wholeheartedly trust Him.  It means to literally trust him with my heart!  Trust HIM to take care of it and tend it.  It means not to build those walls back up again and hide it from the world.  It means I have to submit and allow Him to tenderly wash away the hurts and pick away the stones.  It means I have to allow Him to water it with my tears, and allow myself to feel heartache and pain.  It means it's not my heart to start with.  It's HIS, so who better to take care of it?  :)

Off and on over the past two years, God has brought these verses to me when He sees that I am once again laying bricks to build the walls around my heart.  The thing is, most of the time I don't even realize I'm doing it.  Brick laying has become such a rote thing to do.  Here's how it works for me.  Someone offers to help me do something, but they never have time.  (There's a brick.)  Someone makes a remark that hurts my child. (There's a little mortar.)  Someone special to me ends our friendship with no explanation.  (Several more bricks laid.)  Home repairs are piling up and I just can't afford to fix them.  (Layer by layer the wall is taking shape.)  The car needs new tires.  (Brick and mortar, mortar and brick.)  Another holiday has come and gone.  (I have an entire wall laid now.)  See how easy that was to do?  How quickly it goes up without a single thought?

I read someone's blog this week, and a post from earlier this month caught my eye.  I clicked on it, and there it was!  That verse God uses to call me out.  "Make straight in the Desert a highway for our Lord."  I thought, what a funny way to begin a blog about Christmas.  Isn't it something how God uses others to speak to us?  I don't know if anyone else gave that verse a second thought, but I sure did.  Yes, Lord.  I got the message.  Let me get my pick.  I have a wall to tear down again.  :)